What do you want from me

You count my life as a failure, you pin your hopes on the lies I spill for you so you will be an inch happy for me
You have never be satisfied in the fact of what I am
You are not proud of me as you believe I should be better
You choose to mock me
You want to rub into the face of our family that Ive done Something, Anything worthy of a brag
You don't like where I am now
You want me to be somewhere else

But I am proud of me
I am proud that I am alive
I am proud that I am sane
I am proud that I don't live in the negative
I am proud that the scars on my body don't match the ones on my soul
I am proud that I am an adult in charge of my own life

I am proud that I am not like you
I am proud I am there for my son
I am proud I don't use my pain as an excuse to hurt my son
I am proud he has reached the age of three without being subjected to the sexual abuse I endured before his age

So you see, take your emptiness away from me
As I am who I am without your help
If you are waiting for me to be something your proud of , keep waiting
Because the only one I'm out to make proud is myself and those who are proud of me now for making it this far

What I am in this world but others see me as

How can I hold on with such strength only to be knocked down

tear me

bear me

hear me

forget me

I am nothing

i feel nothing

i am forgotten

You yell and say you love me

You say you are making amends but you don't listen

I tell you I'm in pain and you top it

I am the worse thing to come into your life by your own words

but are a Marta as you will stay any way

You leave me alone when I need you

You tell our most personal moments to others while we are still fighting

You show people my worse, with no regard to what it will do to my best

Love and pain are such a fine dance

A world of internal balances

I am who I am

And when I crash I bring my world to its knees

As no one can hurt me in the way you do

MINE

I reached out and received
I'm to start a new path
A way that will change my life
I am proud
I am all smiles
I am attempting something Id always

seen as nothing more the a dream

A dream

A step

A place I could not reach

But you mock
You tease
You speak as if your above me
As if I can be nothing more then what I am
That my dream is a joke
That my dream is useless
That it is a waste of time

How you have cut me in a way a friend shouldn't
How you knocked something beyond your understanding

But you cant take this away
This is my dream and I shall own it

For too long Ive laid dormant
Too long Ive allowed others thoughts and words shape me
This is my life and I will live it as I see fit

Will I miss my chance

Im afraid of putting out my hands and saying I want that, I want to be that and have it thrown back in my face
Told no and laughed at
Im afraid that Im not good enough to suceed
Im afraid that I will never be who I want to be

Choices

Its a one of those moments in life where

I feel on the edge of a large amount of choices that are going to effect the course of my life.

My life will be changed in large ways over the next month

And in which ways will be desidered now

It strange to hold my life in my hands and wonder where I shall throw it

Its scary but its also better then life staying at a stand still

a forgotten daughter

am I her

am I me

does she look at me and see her own pain

does she see past what she has done to me

when is she ever going to see me for me

Worth more then a fight

why is that when the earth settles over the ashes of an fight

do you only then realise how much they meant to you

that if something would happen to them

would this fight of mattered

if it was to end would it matter who was right

is holding them and telling them that you love then

less important then who was in the right and who is in the wrong

is the pain caused by your words worth the moment of being rightous

you are mine

you fill my heart

you mean more to me then winning a fight could ever