What do you want from me

You count my life as a failure, you pin your hopes on the lies I spill for you so you will be an inch happy for me
You have never be satisfied in the fact of what I am
You are not proud of me as you believe I should be better
You choose to mock me
You want to rub into the face of our family that Ive done Something, Anything worthy of a brag
You don't like where I am now
You want me to be somewhere else

But I am proud of me
I am proud that I am alive
I am proud that I am sane
I am proud that I don't live in the negative
I am proud that the scars on my body don't match the ones on my soul
I am proud that I am an adult in charge of my own life

I am proud that I am not like you
I am proud I am there for my son
I am proud I don't use my pain as an excuse to hurt my son
I am proud he has reached the age of three without being subjected to the sexual abuse I endured before his age

So you see, take your emptiness away from me
As I am who I am without your help
If you are waiting for me to be something your proud of , keep waiting
Because the only one I'm out to make proud is myself and those who are proud of me now for making it this far

What I am in this world but others see me as

How can I hold on with such strength only to be knocked down

tear me

bear me

hear me

forget me

I am nothing

i feel nothing

i am forgotten

You yell and say you love me

You say you are making amends but you don't listen

I tell you I'm in pain and you top it

I am the worse thing to come into your life by your own words

but are a Marta as you will stay any way

You leave me alone when I need you

You tell our most personal moments to others while we are still fighting

You show people my worse, with no regard to what it will do to my best

Love and pain are such a fine dance

A world of internal balances

I am who I am

And when I crash I bring my world to its knees

As no one can hurt me in the way you do

MINE

I reached out and received
I'm to start a new path
A way that will change my life
I am proud
I am all smiles
I am attempting something Id always

seen as nothing more the a dream

A dream

A step

A place I could not reach

But you mock
You tease
You speak as if your above me
As if I can be nothing more then what I am
That my dream is a joke
That my dream is useless
That it is a waste of time

How you have cut me in a way a friend shouldn't
How you knocked something beyond your understanding

But you cant take this away
This is my dream and I shall own it

For too long Ive laid dormant
Too long Ive allowed others thoughts and words shape me
This is my life and I will live it as I see fit

Will I miss my chance

Im afraid of putting out my hands and saying I want that, I want to be that and have it thrown back in my face
Told no and laughed at
Im afraid that Im not good enough to suceed
Im afraid that I will never be who I want to be

Choices

Its a one of those moments in life where

I feel on the edge of a large amount of choices that are going to effect the course of my life.

My life will be changed in large ways over the next month

And in which ways will be desidered now

It strange to hold my life in my hands and wonder where I shall throw it

Its scary but its also better then life staying at a stand still

a forgotten daughter

am I her

am I me

does she look at me and see her own pain

does she see past what she has done to me

when is she ever going to see me for me

Worth more then a fight

why is that when the earth settles over the ashes of an fight

do you only then realise how much they meant to you

that if something would happen to them

would this fight of mattered

if it was to end would it matter who was right

is holding them and telling them that you love then

less important then who was in the right and who is in the wrong

is the pain caused by your words worth the moment of being rightous

you are mine

you fill my heart

you mean more to me then winning a fight could ever

Remember me please :(

Here I lay exposed, my veins open to you, my blood exposed
I give you everything, to protect or to destroy me
My soul exposed for you to accept or reject
But you turn and leave me
Cold and forgotten against your own dreams
Too busy to accept mine
I am yours
But are you mine

My Mind

My mind is like narrow tar road that twist and turns,

consuming my imagination.

Each road is a thought, a lesson, a memory that work together to contain who i am.

With in this labyrinth of my mind sits baby Mia.

My seven year old self trapped for ever by the things that had been done to her.

Trapped by my very mind.

She will not age.

She will not forget,

She will heal.

With time............

She is to stay in the dark looking out beneath her hands,

washed over with the feelings connected to roads of her past.

Every now and then a feeling gathers enough strength

to become a form,

a shadow.

That chases her though the twisted paths,

her feet torn and bleeding in a world she can not out run.

So that is why I'm here,

I going to clear those roads.

Because Mia started running a week ago,

and hasn't come back.

I will find her.

I will bring her back

My Space

Just beause I have a door and you knock apon it,

it does not mean you get my attention
Just because I have a phone that you dial my number,

does not mean you get to hear my voice
So you can see me, you know Im there,

I still dont have to give you myself because you demand it

I will never forget

The pain tears me apart

these endless night remind me, overwhelm me of the past

of his soft words over the phone

as the hours ticking by neither caring of whats to come of the morning ahead

i drained his life, support, his energy hungry for the life that swamped him but avoided me

he was there thought the tears, the angry words, the fears and the actions

in what felt a life time near five years had passed, we had left school, had a child, we were married

but every action felt a motion

every move was done as something to do, something to keep us moving though this game of life

we were in love, at least i think we were, but we were friends, the best of

he knew every line, emotion, everything that made at me, but i did not know him

he spend his life trying to make me safe and happy

i wish that I could of felt for him what he felt for me

he was there as much as he could be

but love is strange, when i lest expected it, as our love was coming to end

an old love returned, one I'd never forgotten

one whose voice lit me up as a touch, returned to me a life i forgotten was in me

with each passing month, I've become stronger

life feels real again, life feels on a roll

with each morning i fall more in love

i feel like the something that was missing in has returned

i feel that life is my own again

but the pain of that who gave me everything he had

haunts me

just as it should

he keep me a live those years and i will never forget

i hate that i have put him into a world of pain

i hope that he finds light away from the darkness i encased him in

he deserves happiness

i will not forgive myself until he finds it

I have a dream

I have dreams, one of a life beyond other expectations

One beyond my own expectations.

I want to be loved and love

I want to feel safe

I want my life to be my own and to feel it

For what more is there, then to wake up and live in your life

To really live it, to feel every step, every move

To know who you are and where you are going

To be confident in your thoughts, actions

To be you at the best you can be

But mostly, be someone who knows a good thing when their got it

Not to wish and plan their lives away

I dream a dream of being the person I know I can be

I dream of facing the present world without fears of my past

I dream of being the person that was robbed from me as a child

I dream of being that adult, that child wished me to be

the way i am

So the panic is sinking in, that fear that grips at my heart.
I feel exposed, naked on your lawn for all to view and judge.
Here I am. But I'm not here really.
To be this open is not me, for someone who talks alot, I don't
like people to know who I am.
Why am I doing this, why do I turn a perfect day into a drama.
I can't handle the dread that grips at mind, fingering my thoughts, playing with my emotions.
The cold hand taking my safe, warm body and turning into a weapon to hold against me.
To hate yourself, your body for what it has allow you to go though is a hard thought
to change from.
Sleep is a gift I wish would return, to lay and not to be afraid.
Night with her long curtain with its star studs close heavy over my bed.
This is the way it is
This is the way of my mind
I just wish for a night, the world didn't close in but stay at a distance that I could watch and admire
I wish for a moment, my mind was mine so I could remind it that; I am safe

"Goodbye"

she expects my attention yet she never calls,she wants me

to run in hoops to see her,

but she never visits

her rage is strong,

her judgement misdirected,

she believes any action by me deserve a reaction from her

why is it that everyone demands such a high price of your time and your life,

when is it that your life is your is not your own

that a missed phone call is not a rejection but a sign of someone living life

no one knows what happening on the other side of the phone.....

Nights Glow

An evening is closing in on me, the darkness consuming me. My laptop a soft glow.
The small kitten curled at my side, her tiny claws wrapped around the blanket as I type away.

What emotions Ive been thought today; Lust, Angry, Love and a loss sense of self.

But I feel good and as Lilith stepped away from those oppressing her. I will push away those thoughts and talks that bring me down, even if that person is me.

I am love, do you wish to hold me.

I am yours do you wish to play with me.

I am all but what I cant be

And that is enough......for today

LUST

I sit, my hair brushed, my faced washed.

I am here, my body waiting.

I listen to the car driving by.

I sit

I wait

You don't appear

This is it........

No more no less...

Today I am..... A Mother

This is me, at least I think it is anyway.
We butt head, goaning and moaning at each other. We cant stand the sight of each other, he banned me from his room, Ive banned him for the telly. Each sentence is meet with a glare.
The stress rises I stare at the ceiling wondering what is in store for me, why I decided all those years ago to open my legs and accepting the sperm that created this child.
I also start to think how many hours it is till the young ones bed time and I'll be able to have peace.
My ears burn and my throat started to get that choking feeling as I start to stress,rage, to get worked up over nothing.
When the soft little voice whispers to my right.
"mummy"
His little face a washed with tears, a small cut upon his finger.
I open my arms and he is in them in an second, arms curled around my throat, small salty tears landing on my shoulder.
I hold him till he is calm.
I hold him till I'm calm.
I am his mother
I am a mother
This is motherhood and it is worth it

Alone.........

I am locked in room as others are drinking and enjoying themselves.
I lay locked in angry, hating those for their laugher on the other side of the door. At my boyfriend for not running to my side. I watch the clock tick each hour away, rage growing with every tick.
But then I got thinking, I was the one who walked to the room, I was the one who chose to be angry instaed of enjoying myself. I was the one. Me, my own actions. I wanted to know why.
Why as a woman do I allow myself to be locked in the sterotype of insecurities and mood swings.
Why do I hold myself in such states, hurting myself with angry thoughts and missing out on life.
Is it fear that by my parnter not coming to my side my defence, they dont truly love or accept me.
Is it a power thing of being the centre of ones world that every emotion I feel should be felt by them. A connection so deep that emotion and thoughts become one.
It was my own fears of him wanting other for I do not see how he'd he desire me, or that it was a pure sex thing with no regard to the person I am within.
But he has not done a thing to justify such responces from me.
SO why the thoughts, why the fears. WHy can I accept that maybe he just loves me.
So swallowing my pride, I walked back into that room. I sat on that couch and joined in with the laughs and was rewarded with a hug.